I Don’t Want To Change You || Callie and Teddy

orthxbadass:

She could see the conflict in Teddy’s eyes, the
self-hatred.   It   was   an   emotion   Callie   was
intimately  familiar  with  – the  blond  struggled
with the notion of moving past  and  getting  over
her dead husband. Callie was struggling with the
same, only her wife was alive  and  well (for  the
most part, anyway).

            She understood, she  really  did. How  was  she
            expected to just get over the woman she’d often
            declared   the  love  of  her  life?  How  was  she
            expected to forget that  the  woman  she  wanted
            to spend the rest of her life with had betrayed her
            in the most hurtful of ways?

Simple. She wasn’t.

But, dammit, being  with  Teddy,  the  kiss  they’d
shared,  it’d    made  Callie   feel,   for   two   short
seconds,  like   everything  would  be   okay,  like
there was light at the end  of  the  tunnel, like  she
had a reason to hope. Callie wasn’t willing to give
that up so easily. 

            Maybe it was always meant to come to this – after
            all,   her  and  Arizona  hadn’t  had  the  e a s i e s t
            relationship. In fact, nothing had ever been  easy  in
            their relationship. It was a constant struggle  and, to
            be honest, Callie was tired. She was tired of fighting,
            tired of hurting, tired of the delusion that her and
            Arizona were meant to be. 

                             She was tired. 

So, Callie shook her head. “If  he  truly  did  want  you
to grieve him for the rest of  your  life, then  he  wasn’t
the man I knew —- and he doesn’t deserve  your  love.”
With those words, almost cold in their  delivery, Callie
turned, shoulders stiff. “You  need  to  figure  out  what
you want, Teddy…because, no matter  how  much  you
try to avoid it, you kissed me. You started this. I’m not
going to let another person  j e r k  me  a r o u n d  like
Arizona did —- never again.”

Teddy hadn’t expected the venom in Callie’s voice;  flinching
away, her pleas no longer reached her gaze when she  spoke
next.  To  hear  anyone  speak of Henry in any way other than
the one she remembered him by —— that sweet, impossible
smile and his incurable optimism  ——  it cut her right to the
bone. “Henry… he was a good man,” she whispered, a world
of  grief  in  her  eyes.  Saying  the words aloud, she realized
what they meant  ——   that Henry would never wish a life of
solitude upon her. But would s h e be able to live with herself
if  she  followed  through  with it? His blessing wasn’t enough
—  no, it wasn’t enough because   s h e   wasn’t   b  r  a  v  e
enough.

            And Callie’s words held such  b l a m e.  Teddy  wanted  what
            happened to be a good thing — so why did she feel as  though
            she’d  just  committed  a  crime?  Voice weighed down with a
            lifetime of loss and unspoken words, she whispered: “I know I
            did.  God,  Callie, do you think I don’t know that? I kissed you,
            and I haven’t felt  a n y t h i n g  like that since Henry died — I
            didn’t  think  I  could  e v e r  feel  that way again.  It felt so, so
            amazing,  but  something  keeps  telling  me  that  it shouldn’t
            have.”

Face crumpling with the persistence of her fear, Teddy wished
with  all  her heart that she would just find the courage to make
the  leap.  Maybe she was scared of being hurt, just like Callie
was;  maybe  she  harbored  the notion that she’d only lose the
people she loved.

            “I  know  I started it; I do. But please, I need some time to figure
            out what the  h e l l  is going on in my mind — I’m a mess right
            now, and I know you don’t deserve my crap. Just —  don’t walk
            away  from  me,  Callie.  I don’t think I’d make it if I lost another
            friend. I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.” Teddy had known far
            more  than her fair share of loss, and it’d be a mockery of what
            she’d  been  through  if  she  were  to  lose  someone  else only
            because she’d chosen to follow her  h  e  a  r  t .