Smoke Without Fire || Amelia & Teddy

amelia-hurricane-shepherd:

If he’s out there, he isn’t alone… The rest of his platoon was missing, too.
Was this supposed to make her feel better or worse? Amelia couldn’t tell
anymore. Owen might be out there somewhere, and if he was, he might
not be alone in God knows where halfway across the world from her. He
might have some kind of backup or support; someone to keep him safe,
if not sane. But it also meant other families would suffer the same heart-
wrenching agony that she felt now. The kind that made her so ill that she
thought she might vomit from the sheer thought. Because if he was gone
that long, if he was captured or lost, maybe it would be better if he had
died.

Amelia fell to the cushions of her sofa, dropping her head into her hands.
How could she even allow herself to think such a thing? How could she
actually think for a second that alternative would be better? How could
she think that leaving her baby fatherless might be better? Guilt began
to overwhelm her, every thought coming at once. This was all too much
to handle.

“You really– You think there’s still a chance?”

Her eyes dropped to her folded hands, fingers picking at the skin around
her cuticles. A couple of tears fell before she could stop them. She moved
her palm to lay against her belly, flattening her sweater against the bump.
It didn’t register that she hadn’t yet told the other woman about the baby.

“I don’t want to do this without him. I don’t–” Her voice cracked beneath
the pressure. She sniffed away the sobs that threatened. Damn hormones
made it impossible to keep herself together. Barely above a whisper came
the admission, “I need him here.”

Too many lives. Too  many fathers, husbands and sons had been lost in a war
that  was  supposed  to  bring  peace. Teddy couldn’t fathom the number who’d
died  at  her  decision,  her  hand.  And maybe that made her a coward, but she
couldn’t begin to consider the alternative. It made her head spin, the things she
was answerable to — but it was her job. Her job, to bear the brunt of the blame,
and to suffer the sleepless nights because of it.

But she knew she’d suffer far more if she ever lost Owen.

She saw it in the way Amelia was holding herself,  the  way  her  shaking  hand
covered  a  bump  that  was  barely  there.  And it didn’t take words for Teddy to
realize  just  how much there truly was at stake. As horror glimpsed across her
face, she found that no promise would ever be enough — nothing she could say
would ever be enough until she brought Owen home.

Owen, the father of Amelia’s child. Owen, the man who had saved Teddy from
herself when she’d been too stubborn to see she needed saving.

But  now,  Owen  was the one who needed help. There were a thousand reasons
why he needed to come home, but now there was another — and Teddy couldn’t
ignore  it  for  her  guilt. If she had to move Heaven and Hell to get him back, she
would  — at any price of her own. And this, Teddy thought, was what it meant to
be a soldier.

“You won’t have to do it without him,” Teddy vowed. “I won’t allow it. I’ll find him,
Amelia; I’ll go to Iraq myself. And I won’t come home until I do.” Her words were
certain, and she was ready to do just that — Teddy only hoped that her daughter
would forgive her.